Marv's Marvelous 2009 Predictons

All the way from Portland, Oregon, the fastest fellow of the Jewish and other persuasions in KV history, and putting some fast moves on Abbe as well, checks in with these predictions:

I know you Yankee fans are kvelling with your recent "acquisitions" but I believe there's trouble brewing for 2009. I predict the following developments:
1) Mark Teixeira announces that he does indeed go both ways and reveals he and Barry Manilow will be wed at the Eldridge St. synagogue the day before opening day.
2) A-Rod and Madonna also announce their marriage plans also to be held at Eldridge St. synagogue the day before opening day as Madonna has now totally converted to Reconstructionist Judaism which allows you to adopt any part of Judaism that suits you.
3)Xavier Nady announces that in honor of his idol Xavier Cugart he is marrying both Charo and Abbe Lane. As Abbe Lane is Jewish and Eldridge St. synagogue will not allow Charo to do the "cuchi-cuchi" at the ceremony, their wedding will occur at the Pike street synagogue also the day before opening day.
4) Rabbi Dick is hired by all 3 "couples" to perform the staggered ceremonies that day-he requests the presence of Prof Bob to both test the orange juice to make sure it has not been spiked with vodka and provide a lecture based on his book.
5) Opening day there is tension in the clubhouse-Ron S's anticipating this sends massive amounts of Koopala urging all the Yankees to calm down and concentrate on baseball. Hideki Matsui is particularly pissed as none of the weddings served sushi at the receptions only gefilte fish, smoked whitefish and fried plantains.
6) Second day of the season Nick Swisher announces that he is indeed gay(he changed his name many years ago to reflect that), not that there's anything wrong with that and is wedding Fritz Peterson who after 2 failed marriages came "out of the closet".
7) Third day of the season CC Sabathia and AJ Burnett buyout the Steinbrenner's and move the team to Brooklyn with all games to be played at Gil Hodges field.
8) The Brooklyn Yankees go on to a 160-2 season sweeping all playoff games and the World Series.
9) Jim Bouton announces that his new book "Ball Five", based on the 2009 Brooklyn Yankee season, will be made into a movie with Pee Wee Herman (who is Jewish and was married at the Eldridge St. synagogue the day before opening day), will play the role of Joe Girardi. Directed by Peter Jackson this trilogy (extended versions will be 15 hrs. long) will feature a soundtrack by, yes you guessed it, the previously unreleased recordings of Xavier Cugart featuring Charo and Abby Lane!
So these are my predictions for the coming year. A Happy and Healthy New Year to all of you!